Why Self Compassion Is A Super Power

I write this post at a time when the entire UK is in full lockdown once again. It's mid January and today is particularly cold, grey and wet. A day that suggests getting back under the duvet and staying there for the duration. But for most, that just isn't an option. Many are trying to work from home which has its own set of challenges (unless you are one of the lucky ones who relishes this prospect), often trying to juggle childcare with a big dollop of homeschooling thrown into the mix. Others might be working on the frontline of what is a very intense situation right now. Those who live alone may be facing more weeks of isolation - unable to see family and friends and possibly even unable to leave their own home if they are shielding due to health or other issues. These are truly tough and demanding times that require new levels of understanding and new tools to see us through to the brighter days to come.

More than ever, now is not the time for tough love. Even the scientists would agree. Research carried out by psychologist Kristen Neff of The University of Texas has shown that treating ourselves with loving kindness and acknowleging the suffering and associated vulnerabilty that comes with being human will better serve you through a difficult experience as opposed to being harsh, critical and/or placing high expectations on yourself and your ability to cope. What does it mean 'to cope' anyway? Coping does not necessarily mean putting on a brave face and shouldering on through. Whilst a sense of stoicism has its advantages in serving to strengthen and fortify us on one level, a gentle inner dialogue, acceptance of the less embraced emotions such as anger, fear and sadness and reaching out for support will all help us move through stressful times much more effectively. And help to open your heart in the process.

So how do we start to soften into a state of self compassion? When the external circumstances are oppressive, uncertain and mainly out of our control, there is still the choice to grow within. To look at our mindsets and explore the terrain of our hearts and emotions and see what old patterns are no longer serving us by starting to make some space for new ones that will.

Let us start by looking at the mind. In his wonderful book 'Think Like A Monk', super coach and former monk himself Jay Shetty talks of 'monkey mind' and 'monk mind'. Monkey mind overthinks, procrastinates, criticises, compares and complains to name but a few. Monk mind thinks 'intentionally and consciously', is 'enthusiastic, determined and patient'. Who is currently living inside of your head - monkey or monk? Maybe its a combination of the two. By becoming aware that things we tell ourselves have a vibration and a susbequent knock on effect, it starts to become apparent that it is in your own interest and also those around you to pay attention to the inner dialogue. What are the usual stories you tell yourself on a daily basis? Would you say those same things to a good friend? Possibly not. So how do we start to change those patterns? Firstly by becoming aware of them. Secondly by asking yourself are they really true and taking some time to explore reasons behind them - childhood experiences, cultural and societal expectations, feelings of overwhelm and exhaustion to name a few. Thirdly, by slowing the mind down and starting to watch the thoughts with a regular mindfulness or meditation practice. There are many ways to meditate from paying attention to the breath through to a guided meditation on Youtube or one of the many meditation apps available. Even just three minutes a day will serve you and your mind very well with the additional benefits scientifically proven to boost the immune system, manage anxiety, improve emotional health and reduce the impact of stress.

Another way to develop a greater sense of self compassion is to allow ourselves to feel. Many of us were not raised to talk about and explore our emotions and their associated feelings. The British stiff upper lip approach, for example encourages the attitude of putting on a 'brave face' and not 'making a fuss'. Any of this sound familiar? Yet our emotions play an important part in how we move through our lives, how we deal with adversity and how we connect to ourselves and others. If we broke a leg and didn't seek help or even acknowledge the pain and continued to walk around on it, it would only get worse and potentially do more damage. The same goes for our feelings. If we ignore feelings such as grief when we experience loss or dismiss our feelings of fear when we are in uncertain times such as these, the act of pushing them down or denying their existence may only cause problems further down the line. It will make us more easily triggered, less able to connect with those around us and could even cause physical and mental health issues. It is simply a case of 'better out than in'. Taking time to acknowledge the feelings - maybe writing about how you feel in a journal or getting support from a good and trusted friend or even a therapist can be incredibly healing and even transformative. Finding an outlet to process uncomfortable emotions is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself and in turn those around you.

The journey of self compassion for how you feel starts with awareness. From this place, you can go on to find allowance and acceptance. I am a huge fan of the American psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach whose book 'Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of RAIN' offers a lifeline for difficult times. Her RAIN acronym stands for Recognise Allow Investigate Nurture and can be used as a tool for developing mindfulness and cultivating compassion for yourself and others. Tara has some brilliant free meditations on Youtube based on the RAIN principle which I can whole heartedly recommend. To summarise, the four steps are as follows:

Recognise what is going on

Allow the experience just as it is

Investigate with interest and care

Nurture with self-compassion

By denying or judging our feelings, we add another unnesscary layer of pain and suffering. From a place of interest, care and nurture we can help to understand whats going on and support the process taking place. For that is what our emotions are designed to do - to help us process the events of our lives. Taking the time to tend to more uncomfortable emotions can start to set you free.

As the title says, self compassion is a super power. Studies have shown that people who are more self compassionate eat better, exercise more and are happier with their bodies. They are also less likely to procrastinate and tend to bounce back with more resilience after setbacks. Proof that the gentle path is more powerful than than we might have been previously taught... x